An Unsent Letter for Toon Knol (Part I)

Hi to everyone who read this. I'm glad that I can finally write about someone that I haven't mentioned his name before, on my previous post in Bahasa. I have to write this on English because I really hope this someone read "my unsent letter to him" on his birthday. So, let me introduce you to Toon Knol. You have to call him Tony as I only want to call his name with "Toon", so he (still) feel special every time he hear me calling him.
Just a brief informations about us. Tony is a Dutch and I'm an Indonesian. He is 193 cm and I'm 151 cm. His feet size is 47 cm and I'm 38 cm. He is 31 years old and I'm 19 years old (by the time I write this on Christmas Eve 2018). He claimed himself as an average worker and I always want to be an entrepreneur and investor. He live alone and I still live with my family. We met on an online dating site called "Date in Asia" on 07 November 2018. We both loves coffee, he is a coffee drinker and I want to have business in coffee. In college, I wrote my own personal goals setting about business that I want to do, and I wrote "Travel to Netherlands to meet Toon" as my rewards. That's all you guys need to know about the situation, lots of differences isn't it? Not the typical romance story you ever read before haha😅. I wanted to write in one full page, but then I decided to devide it into two parts. The first part I called it...

(An Unsent Letter for Toon Knol - Part I)

Dear Toon,
Today is your birthday! I have sent you my best wishes in Whatsapp, but at the same time I want you to know how I really feel about you. Yes, we only know each other for only just a month, and also we meet through an online dating site (sigh 😓). I never expected that meeting someone through online dating can have such a huge effects on me. But for me, it is still the best thing that ever happen to me. Oh Toon, didn't you remember you said it is miracle to meet me? I thought you were joking about it. But on that time, you attracted me to know more about you. We talked everyday since that day we exchanged our contact number, we opened to our pasts, we introduced our parents to each others, we laughed at our cheesy jokes, we teased each other, well you're the one who teases me all the time, I always mad when you teased me, it seems you don't know the exact situations, but despite all of that, now I miss it so much..
Do you remember we had our very first fight (?) right after you listened to my past. It was odd because you felt jealous about it, and it became much odd for me as I also jealous about the Mexican girl as you just made that up for me, to see me if I jealous 😅😩

Toon, don't you feel from that time we have something? A thing? Feelings that indescribable? Don't you agree with me that we want to made it more serious? As I keep writing this letter, I still sheds lot of tears. I really meant it when I said that you are always on my mind.

Toon, let me list it for you, what "effects" you have on me.

1. You make me laughs and smiles a lot.

I don't laugh a lot or either smile since before I joined in vocational school. I got bullied about my body-shape, thin hair, people called me fat as I'm not like people's expectations and beauty-standards, really hard times on family's economics, done bulimia too (a serious eating disorder that avoid weight gain) that I thought it was an answer for my problems. I lost myself on society, and in relationship. I'm scared to get hurt again. Two months after I finally break up with my ex, I let myself fallen in an online dating site, that I thought I could heal myself through it. So yes, what you said it's true. I was searching for attentions. Attention that I never get from any men around my neighborhood, attention that I never get either from my ex. It only took me almost 5 months on that website.
Toon, when we first met through Date in Asia, you weren't my usual type, as you probably know this from the start. Toon, you may not realized this, but since the first day we did video call and I see you smiles, since that day I began to have that indescribable feels.

2. I'm honest to you and my family (about us).

Do you know what attracts me a lot from you? The way you can positions yourself as an open person to talk and joke together with my family, especially my brother. I amazes by how my brother can joke easily with you. No gap between you and my family. Toon, for your information. Since from the start, I always honest to you and to my parents also. Before that, I was miserable, I lied to them. I was so pathetic. I never listen to them and always rebel. But, since the start we talked, you changed me a lot. I don't want to build this relationship based on lie. No. I want this based on honesty and integrity.
Toon, you probably didn't know this. But after what you said to me, to search another man? I felt really miserable. I keep thinking "No, this isn't normal. It should be easy for me to just move on. Why now I cry a lot, he still on my mind every day, every time and now look at me in the middle of dawn, crying in the bathroom, for a guy I haven't met yet called Toon."

Don't you feel any that indescribable? I felt miserable by not talking to you anymore.

The purpose to write this letter for you is only because I can't talk this to anyone else. You said that I'm an Independent Strong Woman. But through this I realized much more about myself, that no, no I'm not a strong person. I become much more stronger because of you. That this indescribable feelings I have towards you is real. I don't exaggerated it. Toon, you know I involves in Theater. It's really piece of cake for me to exaggerates emotions just because for the role. But, this one. This indescribable one. I can't control it. I wasn't expected how huge and powerful this indescribable feelings that I have.

This why I name part one as   M I S E R A B L E.
As you keep reading this unsent letter.
You will realized how pathetic I was and miserable on days we didn't talked.
I even write an unsent letter too for your mom 😢

3. Crazy enough to make me plan visiting you.

No. This is not normal. I have this urge to meet you as soon as possible. But then I think again now, "Really? He said that he can't have peace on what happened before in my past. He probably don't want to talk to you anymore. Even you will sacrifice everything to get to his place, why bother though? Did he made it ALL clear?",

and my heart say "Look, he will regret what he told you before. He have that indescribable feels too. Don't you believe it? He's also miserable now that he can't talk to you anymore. Give him space. Let him think about what is between you two." I will still going to see you soon in Netherlands. I have write it down on my personal goal settings. Your selfie on my wallpaper home screen and lock screen are the one that keeps me motivates to reach my goal, to get my reward, to finally meet you in real. I don't care if it's hurt by now we don't talk anymore. I hope we can talk again, because I missed all your teases, your laugh, you attractive smiles, especially when you call my name.
The first day I read your message about not wanting to talk to me anymore, it made me so upset and cried and I can't even focus on dance rehearsal. But on the second day it get miserably worse as now I write this all down. Hoping when I publish it on your birthday you will read this, to know how serious I am to you, Toon!
I don't want to imagine when I get my chance to see you in real, and get awkward and cry because I don't even know how to express this miserable feelings when we don't talk. And top all of this miserable feelings I have now, I'm thinking...

"Hey Felicia. This is normal!"

Be grateful because you have beautifully amazing feelings towards Toon. What my heart say really calms me down, although these tears still can't stop falling down.
Well, since we are adult and grown up. So I should say this too, that yes I have that desires as much as you can imagine (men tend to have wild imaginations right? haha). I have this urgency to meet you soon, to look at your mesmerized blue eyes, to ruffle your hair so that become blonde messy hair, to hug you, to kiss that thin lip you have, to.. you know?
Ah! I have lots to say to you. There are lot that you missed on days we didn't talked. But I won't write it here. Let it just be our privacy conversations later 😌

Now I realized that I can't list all effects you have on me 😫
I still believe we have something Toon. But thank you for made this space for us. So we can know what feelings between us, feelings that we have to each other. Because of this time, days we didn't talked.

You made me realized that indescribable feelings.. is...

READ MORE >>> An Unsent Letter for Toon Knol (Part II)

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